The Phantom of Oz, Installment #18
And a few bad jokes
Hello! As most of you know, I’m serializing The Phantom of Oz here in a bit of an experiment. Once a month, you’ll still receive the “regular” Slightly Silly News. If you missed earlier chapters of Phantom, you can find links to all of the earlier installments here.
And just for fun, a few actor jokes for you:
A Broadway actor cheated their way to an award - what’s their favorite pasta?
Rigatoni
What do an actor and a waiter have in common?
They’re both waiters.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through a floorboard?
He was just going through a stage.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre. As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realized the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
“Uncanny!” he thought. “I’ve arrived at a strange stage of my life”.
And now, happy reading!
Chapter 13
Quite Extraordinary That You Should First Learn It from Me!
Somehow I managed to pocket the pill I’d lost and keep my pilfering of Candy’s bag a secret. I kissed my friend on the forehead. “Call me tomorrow when you know what time you’ll get out. And sorry about the bed bath.”
“It’s okay.” She smiled weakly. “See you tomorrow, darlin’.”
I left the hospital, wishing that Candy had been mad at me. It would have made my deceit a little easier to swallow. A little.
It was already five o’clock, and I needed to eat and get to the theater by six thirty in time for call for Twelfth Night tonight, but if I hurried and got food from a drive-through, I could just make one more stop.
Or so I thought. I’d forgotten about traffic. I know that sounds unbelievable, but when you don’t keep regular nine-to-five hours and you’re worried about your best friend and conflicted about investigating that best friend, details like rush hour tend to slip your mind. “Come on!” I pounded on my steering wheel as the ten-minute drive turned into thirty. When I got to the Grand Phoenician I was so late I parked in a pay lot rather than searching for street parking (I was a notoriously cheap parker). I jumped out of my pickup and ran across the street to the stage door. “Ivy Meadows to see Logan Gale,” I said, signing my name on the clipboard before the guard even asked. He buzzed me in.
I didn’t really want talk to Logan, just used his name as a foot in the door. I’d buy him a beer later. No, I really wanted to talk to some people who had been touring with Candy and see what I could find out. I hoped they would be rehearsing, since they hadn’t managed to get through an entire rehearsal with the set. I ran toward the stage. Yes. The cast was there. I could hear music through the backstage door.
I pushed open the door and tiptoed into the theater. I didn’t want to bother the people in the wings waiting for entrances, and I could see several people sitting in the audience, so I made my way to the house. I was walking up the aisle when Arrestadt caught my eye. Should I ask him about Candy? What if he decided she was a liability to the show? No, I needed backstage gossip from the other players. I’d have to buy a lot of beers to ease my conscience.
Arrestadt was still looking at me so I slipped into the aisle behind him. “Just wanted you to know that Candy was looking better when I left,”I whispered. “She said she’s sure she’ll be well enough for the show tomorrow.” She had mumbled that as I left, even though she looked terrible. “She was afraid you would worry.”
“Thanks. I don’t know what we would’ve done. Eden is the only understudy.”
I said goodbye, went back out to the side aisle, and searched the dark house. Ah. Madison’s mother. I walked over and sat in a seat next to her. “I’m Ivy. We sort of met earlier.”
“I’m Desirée.” She gave me an appraising glance, then looked away. “And I don’t remember.”
“It was right before the accident. There was a lot going on. I’m a friend of Candy’s. In fact I just came from the hospital.”
The woman didn’t say anything, just stared at the stage. She was perfectly made up: expertly applied eye makeup, glossy lips, and foundation that looked like it had been airbrushed. Her straightened hair hung in a shimmering sheet, and she wore a low-cut top that clung to her trim figure and showed off her décolletage. Candy had dressed almost exactly like this woman, but on her it’d looked false, a poor imitation of Candy’s real beauty.
“Candy’s going to be okay to perform tomorrow,” I said.
The woman shrugged and stood up, waving to her daughter as she ran offstage with the other munchkins. Dang. Rehearsal must be over and I hadn’t found out a thing. “Aren’t you friendly with Candy?” Might as well be direct. I wasn’t getting anywhere with small talk. “I figured since you’d all been on tour for a while that—”
“Candace never deigned to talk to us little people.” Her daughter scrambled past me into her open arms. “Oh,” said the woman, more animated than before. “I made a joke. Little people. You know, munchkins.”
“Good one.” I tried to sound sincere. “So Candy didn’t hang out with the rest of the cast?”
Desirée ignored me in favor of her daughter. “Get it, my little munchkin? My joke?”
“Mom, I hate it when you call me that.” Madison groaned. “But yeah, nice joke.” She turned to me. “Candace is nice to us kids.”
“That’s right. She said something about being the kid wrangler.”
“Yeah. We all like her. I mean, all the kids.”
“How about the adults?
“Um...” Madison hesitated, obviously uncomfortable saying anything unkind. Her mom could have learned something if she wasn’t busy staring at Babette, who had just entered the house. Babette. Why was she still here? “All the adults think she’s pretty,” Madison said finally. “All except for Eden. She says she looks unhealthy.”
“Eden would,” said her mother.
“I would what?” Eden plopped down in a seat next to me. Desirée blushed under her foundation.
“Say that Candace looks unhealthy,” said Madison
“That’s right. By the way, I’m Eden.” She smiled at me.
“Ivy Meadows. I’m a friend of Candy’s. And I agree. She’s never been this skinny before.”
“She keeps losing weight too,” said Eden. “I’ve had to take in her costume like four times so far.”
Eden seemed perfectly nice. Why didn’t Candy like her? “Has she ever said what she’s, uh, doing, to lose all this weight?”
“No, but it can’t be good, dropping that much weight that quickly.”
“It obviously doesn’t matter,” said Desirée. “Babette and Arrestadt must like the meth-head look.”
Oh no. “Meth-head?”
The creepy munchkin with the hollow eyes turned around. “Who’s on meth?”
“No one,” Eden said firmly.
“Sorry, took it too far,” Desirée said. “Candace is not on meth. Seriously.”
“Ooh, Candace.” The boy munchkin grinned and then whispered into the ear of a girl next to him.
“You said that Babette and Arrestadt obviously like...the look. Because they cast her?” I’d wondered how Candy got a singing role. She’d been taking singing lessons for a while, but there were certainly better vocalists available.
Desirée turned and looked me full in the face. “Who are you really? Are you one of those reporters?” She pulled Madison close to her.
“No, really. I’m just Candy’s friend. Her best friend,” I added.
“I don’t think so,” she said.
“Otherwise,” Madison said from the shelter of her mother’s arms, “you would know that Candace is dating Arrestadt.”
Watch next week for Installment #19, Chapter 14: “I Shall Save Her”
And if you haven’t read the first four books in the Agatha-nominated series:
This post is public so feel free to share it.